I have reached the conclusion that I am an insomniac. I have medically diagnosed myself with this condition because I find myself obsessively blogging it at almost 4 in the morning. The publishing time of the article won’t reflect it because its American time, but its true. This is how low i’ve stooped. The causes of my night time woes are documented in previously blogs, so no need to trawl painfully over them again. Suffice to say I have decided to follow my own heart in a career sense, you’ll have to accept the fact, mother dearest.
To be honest, i’ve been doing a lot of research on sleeping disorders tonight so, sod the studying, hand me over a degree in the subject now! Supposedly the vast majority of “insomniacs” actually suffer from ‘delayed sleep phase syndrome’, whereby, as the name suggests, the suffer struggles to drop off. The difference with insomnia being DSPS suffers can, when they finally enter the land of nod, stay there for hours undisturbed. I’ll probably spend all day Sunday asleep after sitting up writing this, so perhaps DSPS is my condition instead? Or is DSPS just a fancy way of saying those of us who enjoy lying in bed till 2pm are lazy b*stards?
It could be worse though. Whilst reading up on sleeping disorders I came across something known as ‘Parasomnia’. Basically those strange things that people do in their sleep come under this catergory. Grinding of teeth, sleepwalking, nightmares etc. What really caught my eye though, perhaps unsuprisingly was ’sleep sex’. Yup, no fancy scientific name for that one folks. It does exactly what it says on the tin. Social taboos and a reluctance of sufferers to come forward probably explain why the study of this is in its infancy. For the sakes of the partners of suffers, I demand more government funding for research into it now! Get acting Mr Brown, or I’ll start one of those polls anyone can sign on www.downingstreet.gov.uk! All joking apart, some of the reported cases of sleep sex in the press are staggering. Several people, including a man in York accused of three cases of rape, have been acquitted on this ‘medical condition’. It really sets a dangerous precedent when people honestly think that is an excuse for sexual assault. Tie ‘em up like Father Jack Hackett when he had his spell of naked sleepwalking, I say! More comically it has to be mentioned that a woman in Australia sleepwalked through the streets, having sex with strangers. Only down under could that be taken as serious news….
You’d think all that sleep talk would have maken me a little bit dozy by now, but alas, i still like i’ve taken a couple of E’s washed down with several cans of red bull. For all the scientific research out there, my last hope of some kip tonight will call upon one of the more traditional methods. One sheep, two sheep, three sheep….
Night Night
Evil-Scotsman
